Therapist task

Explore the factors that formed the context in which the affair developed. Work across the four domains rather than treating them as separate explanations. Distinguish factors that increased vulnerability or opportunity from the decisions through which Mark initiated, maintained and concealed the affair.

Pay particular attention to the language used when discussing Helen’s contribution to the relationship. The aim is to help both partners consider their influence on the relationship without implying that Helen was responsible for Mark’s decision to betray their agreement.

As Mark describes the development of the affair, look for points at which he could have made different choices. Explore the alternatives available when the relationship became personal, following the first kiss, during the sexual affair and after Helen discovered the messages. The aim is to understand Mark’s vulnerabilities while preserving responsibility for the decisions he made.

During the exercise, consider

• Are you explaining behaviour or inadvertently excusing it?

• Are you helping Mark take responsibility without pushing him towards global shame?

• Can Helen acknowledge relationship difficulties without feeling blamed for the affair?

• Are you identifying choices as well as vulnerabilities?

• What information remains missing?

When the role-play is over, click here for the Debrief.