Therapist task

Your task is to slow the interaction down and help the couple understand what is happening in this particular moment. Avoid turning the exercise into a wider discussion about whether Mark can ultimately be trusted or whether the marriage will survive.

Help Helen consider whether she is responding primarily to something problematic that Mark is doing in the present or whether the notification has activated memories and emotions associated with the betrayal. The distinction matters because a current breach of an agreed boundary requires attention and problem-solving, while a reminder of the past calls for recognition and management of the emotional response. Both may be present, and the therapist should help the couple establish what is happening before deciding how to respond.

If the reaction appears to be linked primarily to the past, help Helen identify what she is feeling beneath the immediate accusation. Encourage her to communicate those feelings to Mark, connect them explicitly to what has been triggered, and identify what would be most useful from him in that moment. This might involve reassurance, acknowledgement, physical comfort or temporary space.

Help Mark listen without immediately defending himself or attempting to persuade Helen that she has no reason to feel distressed. At the same time, avoid encouraging him to take complete responsibility for regulating Helen’s emotions. Helen should also consider what she can do to care for herself and gradually increase her ability to manage these experiences independently.

The underlying sequence is:

·         What is happening now?

·         What has been triggered from the past?

·         What am I feeling?

·         What do I need right now?

·         What can I do to help myself manage this?

Work with the incident in front of you rather than attempting to resolve the entire question of trust. Help both partners distinguish between the trigger, the meaning attached to it and the behaviours that follow.

Pay particular attention to the difference between Mark acknowledging the consequences of his previous behaviour and Mark being treated as though he has necessarily done something wrong in the present. Similarly, validate Helen’s reaction without reinforcing the assumption that every distressing trigger indicates a current threat.

When the role-play is over, click here for the Debrief.