Role: Mark

Over the previous three or four years, you increasingly felt that you and Helen functioned well together as parents and household partners but had become less close as a couple. You still loved her and did not regard the marriage as terrible, but you missed physical affection and sometimes wondered whether Helen was still attracted to you.

You tried to raise this occasionally, although usually indirectly. You might say that the two of you never did anything together anymore, suggest a weekend away, or complain that everything else seemed to come before the relationship. You rarely said plainly that you felt lonely, rejected or unimportant. When Helen explained that life was simply busy, you tended to stop talking about it rather than pursue the conversation.

Around the time Helen’s caring responsibilities increased, you were promoted into a more senior role at work. You were pleased to have been recognised but privately worried that you were not capable of doing the job. You often felt that colleagues knew more than you did and feared being exposed as someone who had been promoted beyond his ability. You did not discuss these fears with Helen because she was already dealing with her mother’s illness and you did not want to add another problem.

Anna frequently praised your work and sought your opinion. You found her confidence in you reassuring and began to look forward to conversations with her. Gradually you started discussing things with Anna that you were not discussing with Helen, particularly your worries about work and your sense that the marriage had become distant.

Growing up, difficult feelings were rarely discussed in your family. Your father valued achievement and you learned that being capable and dependable earned approval. You find it difficult to admit when you feel insecure, needy or uncertain. When relationships become uncomfortable, your tendency is to withdraw and hope that the problem will pass.

Looking back, you can now see that the relationship with Anna involved a series of boundaries being crossed gradually. At each stage you found a way to convince yourself that what was happening was not serious enough to require a major response. When the relationship was only emotional, you told yourself that you had done nothing physical. After the first kiss, you told yourself that it had been a mistake and would not happen again.

Do not volunteer all this information immediately. Respond naturally to the therapist’s questions and allow the material to emerge through exploration.

  When the role-play is over, click here for the Debrief.