Role: Helen

You believe Mark has made real changes and you have not found any evidence that he has broken the boundaries you agreed. Part of you genuinely wants to trust him more.

Your greatest fear is not simply that Mark could betray you again. You are frightened that if you deliberately reduce your vigilance and another betrayal occurs, you will feel responsible for having allowed yourself to be deceived. Monitoring therefore gives you a sense of protection and control, even though you dislike the person you sometimes become when doing it.

You are also beginning to recognise that the checking itself has a cost. You do not want to spend your marriage examining Mark’s phone, wondering why he is ten minutes late or monitoring who attends each meeting. You want closeness, but you are frightened by what closeness requires.

If the therapist pushes you simply to “let go” or “trust Mark again”, resist. You need the uncertainty and risk to be acknowledged rather than dismissed.

  When the role-play is over, click here for the Debrief.