Role: Helen

Over the two years leading up to therapy, much of your time and emotional energy had been directed towards your mother following her stroke. You organised appointments, medication, shopping and practical support while continuing to work and care for the children. You were exhausted for much of this period but did what you have always done when life becomes difficult: you got on with what needed doing.

You knew that Mark sometimes complained that the two of you rarely spent time together. You saw this as an unfortunate but ordinary consequence of a demanding period of family life. At times, you became irritated when he raised it because you felt that you were already carrying a great deal and that he was asking you to take responsibility for his unhappiness as well.

Looking back, you can remember Mark suggesting weekends away and occasionally asking whether you were still attracted to him. You usually reassured him briefly or explained why life was difficult at the time. Because he did not continue raising the issue, you assumed that the conversation had been enough.

Your family placed a strong emphasis on independence and practical coping. Problems were generally approached by identifying what needed to be done rather than spending a great deal of time discussing feelings. When Mark raised emotional concerns, your instinct was often to explain the situation or suggest a solution rather than stay with how he felt.

You also remember Mark mentioning Anna frequently before the affair was discovered. You once joked that she sounded like his “work wife”. You noticed that he seemed pleased when she messaged and sometimes appeared especially interested in his appearance before certain work events. Looking back, you sometimes wonder whether you should have recognised these signs. At other times, you recognise that you had little reason to interpret ordinary workplace contact as evidence that Mark was concealing a sexual relationship.

You are prepared to acknowledge difficulties in the marriage and things you might have handled differently. However, you become extremely sensitive if the therapist or Mark appears to imply that your behaviour explains why he had an affair. If the discussion starts to sound that way, challenge it.

Do not volunteer all this information immediately. Allow the therapist to explore it with you.

 When the role-play is over, click here for the Debrief.